I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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