so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
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