thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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