I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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