My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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