The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
