There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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