Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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