I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
