How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
