Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
