Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
