nut hugger
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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