Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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