2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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