don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
