1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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