If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
