I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
