This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
