I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
