I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
