I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
