Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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