Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize