She is in my trunk
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
