Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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