my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
