Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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