Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
