I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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