Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
