Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
