If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
