She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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