Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
A bitchslap is in order.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
