i wish there were pregnant emoticons
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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