I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
