i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
