STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
