Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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