So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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