In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I understand Curling. That high.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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