I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
