if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize