she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
