I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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