In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
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