listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
