life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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