Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
