i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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