who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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