Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
