so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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