Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
