I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
