I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
