Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
