Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
